Cheers and Jeers: Monday

It’s Morning in America

Democrats will focus their energy on reducing inflation…and boosting economic growth…and protecting Social Security and Medicare…and adding to the three million jobs created in the last year alone…and transitioning to clean energy…and beefing up blue-collar paychecks…and forgiving student debt…and fighting for equal rights…and welcoming immigrants to build a new life here…and making health care more affordable…and protecting reproductive freedom…and respecting freedom from religion as much as freedom of religion…and supporting both science and the arts…and maintaining a military that’s the envy of the world…and confirming a record number of people of color to positions of authority including judges on federal benches…and nurturing our standing as a role model on the international stage.

Republicans will focus their energy on deciding whether to formally change their name to The Trump-Hitler-Musk-Jesus Party before or after they “terminate” the U.S. Constitution, draw up plans for internment camps, transition from book banning to book burning, and bring impeachment charges against President Biden for jaywalking in 1972.

Petulant Idiots will see no difference between the parties.

Saddle up. It’s morning in America. And we live in strange times.

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 4, 2023

Note: No pixels were harmed in the formatting of this column. Well, except for the pixel that got drunk and walked in front of a bus. But only that one.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

5 days!!!

Days ’til winter: 17

Days ’til the Hudson Valley Chocolate Expo in Newburgh, New York: 5

Number of workers on strike in November, down from 48,100 in October: 10,500

Average drop in shoplifting incidents in 24 major U.S. cities since 2019: 7%

Percent of companies scored for the Human Rights Campaign’s annual Corporate Equality Index that offer transgender-inclusive health insurance coverage, versus zero percent in its first report in 2002: 94%

Number of the 40 House bills introduced by ousted Rep. George Santos during his 328 days in office that were acted on in any way: 0

Percent chance that a sequel to This is Spinal Tap, with the original cast, will start shooting in February, according to director Rob Reiner: 100%

Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday beauty treatment…

CHEERS to protecting the vote. I get the weekday evening updates—always at 6 o’clock sharp—from Marc Elias and his defenders of free and fair elections at Democracy Docket, and late last week there were some developments worth passing along to you, my beloved unwashed rabble:

»  Georgia Republicans released new proposed congressional and legislative maps. The maps seemingly add the additional court-ordered majority-Black districts, but still heavily favor the GOP. Many argue the maps still violate the Voting Rights Act.

Marc Elias headshot
Marc Elias of Democracy Docket deserves all the awards.

»  Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D) signed two pro-voting bills into law. The laws will allow 16- and17-year-olds to preregister to vote and automatically register eligible individuals to vote when they are released from incarceration.

»  A panel of three North  Carolina judges temporarily blocked the enforcement of Senate Bill 749, a new law that transfers the power to appoint board of elections members from Gov. Roy Cooper (D) to the Republican-controlled state legislature. Litigation will continue.

And here’s something to keep one ear open for this week: tomorrow the Supreme Court will release its first opinions of the term including, possibly, a decision on whether South Carolina’s congressional map is racially gerrymandered and must be redrawn before the 2024 elections. The outcome, as usual, depends on whether or not Clarence Thomas’s billionaires showed him a good enough time during his last South Carolina vacation.

JEERS to unwelcome visitors. Guess who’s coming to dinner…and breakfast, and lunch, and snacks, and all the freaking time again? Yeah…Covid. And it’s bringing all of its in-laws with it:

“Covid is still the primary cause of new respiratory virus hospitalizations and death,” CDC Director Dr. Mandy Cohen said at a briefing for reporters Friday.  The virus is responsible for about 15,000 hospitalizations and 1,000 deaths every week, she said. […]

SAN ANSELMO, CALIFORNIA - FEBRUARY 04: In this photo illustration, free iHealth COVID-19 antigen rapid tests from the federal government sit on a U.S. Postal Service envelope after being delivered on February 04, 2022 in San Anselmo, California. The Biden administration has secured one billion at home COVID-19 tests and will deliver four per household for free to anyone who requests them. The tests can be ordered on the U.S. Postal Service website and will arrive 7-14 days after. (Photo Illustration by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
Covid tests are now available free. Click here to order.

A Covid variant called HV.1 remains the predominant strain in the United States as of Nov. 25, accounting for about 32% of new cases, according to the CDC.

There are signs, however, that other variants may be picking up steam. The BA.2.86 variant, which was first detected over the summer, tripled in prevalence for the week ending Nov. 25 compared to the week before, up to 9% of new cases from 3%. The variant gained the attention of experts over the summer because of its high number of mutations.

Standard rules apply: mask up where appropriate, wash your hands, get your Fauci Ouchie, and file a restraining order against every Republican in your community to stay the hell away.

CHEERS to seeing stuff up close.  On this date in 1621, Galileo perfected his new invention.  He called it the telescope.  The following day the lady next door perfected her own new invention.  She called it window blinds.



CHEERS to going in circles. On December 4th, 1877, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in Menlo Park, New Jersey.  I love downloading music, but I do miss vinyl. It had character.  (Said the sad, bitter old Maine blogger to whomever he’d just drunk-dialed on his rotary phone.)

JEERS to your brain on Republican drugs. Let’s check in and see how the priorities of the American people are being dealt with legislatively under the speakership of porn-obsessed Jesus freak Mike Johnson:

Speaker Mike Johnson said Saturday that he thinks House Republicans have the votes to launch a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden.

In an appearance alongside Rep. Elise Stefanik, R-N.Y., another member of House GOP leadership, on Fox News, Johnson, R-La., said he plans to bring a vote on impeachment.

Sorry, folks. Filling the potholes and saving the planet will have to wait. This is too important.

Ten years ago in C&J: December 4, 2013

CHEERS to Healthcare Dot Gov II: The Obamacare Strikes Back.  And lo, on a bright December morn in the Year Of Our Flying Spaghetti Monster Two Thousand and Thirteen, the revamped Affordable Care Act web site did appear.  And the people did gather in the public square to pronounce judgment. And then, from his Princeton Parapet emerged…Krugman the Grey:

In short, the crisis is over—for Obama and the Democrats.  It’s just beginning for the Republicans, who won’t be able to let go of the notion that it’s a criminal scandal, and that mobs with pitchforks will march on the White House if only they can find the right words. … Maybe they’ll get 60 Minutes to do a report that has to be retracted.  And yes, maybe they’ll gain some seats in the midterms, although those are a long way away.

But health reform is, almost surely, over the hump.

You can compare plans in your state (if it doesn’t have its own exchange) using John Aravosis’s three-click method.  I plan to check on mine today.  I’m leaning towards one that offers free hospital room Spice Channel and an immortality option. [12/4/23 Update: Republicans have so far failed to repeal the ACA, but all of the current presidential candidates consider doing so their holy grail mission. Meanwhile, you have 11 days left to sign up on the federal exchange for coverage starting January 1st. I really do recommend the immortality option—it’s working great for m

NOTE: The remainder of today’s C&J will be handled by a guest columnist. We regret the inconvenience.

And just one more…

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA’s site to see if our new Space Force is conquering every ball of gas and rock in the known galaxy. Sorry to say the answer is “not yet,” so we’ll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of death stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s major celestial events include some cool meteor action and a visit from Vesta. Here’s NASA’s Preston Dyches with a preview:

And if you run into any space aliens down here, remember: don’t stare at their tentacles. They’re very sensitive about that.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

How much should you tip Bill in Portland Maine? How about nothing?

—Jon Gabriel


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